Archive for the Errors of the moment Category

Comfortably numb

Posted in Baseless Musing, Errors of the moment, Game talk on May 21, 2010 by Krazmaz

Life is a complicated mess, but if there’s one thing I know for sure it is that Painkiller is a sub-par game

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting amazement but I was at least expecting Serious Sam levels of slaughter and throughout this dribble you may find several unfair references to Serious Sam. Unfair because SS (unfortunate initials…I may stick with calling it Serious Sam) is a vastly superior game in almost every way.

In my opinion.

Also, as a brief aside, I do rather like the look of People Can Fly’s new game Bulletstorm and will follow it with interest. But for now, Painkiller is going to have an ire bath.

Painkiller, as a game in which you are entrusted to shoot many things, fails on numerous levels as a game where you shoot things. My mind is so aflame with its failure that I know not where to start. Well, as many journey’s start with a single step let’s start with walking: you are SLOW.

This may seem petty but this is supposed to be a fast-paced, frenetic kind of game and the protagonists’s pace just seems fractionally too slow. It feels like he’s walking around with two buckets of jelly attached to his feet. Of course, this is ludicrous as no-one with buckets on their feet could reach terminal velocity by bunny-hopping and this man can. In fact, hopping around like a maniac is possibly the only way to get some actual pace in the game.

And why do you need pace? Why, to go find monsters to shoot, of course. Now this is a large area, so let’s take things step by painfully slow step.

First up, the story is inconsequential. Blah blah hell shoot bang etc. Unimportant. What is important is how the story links in to ANYTHING you’re doing. Serious Sam had the story about you stopping some alien overlord by going back to a curiously unpopulated ancient egypt because aliens zzzz who cares. But at least the levels made sense! You start at one end of egypt and murder your way to the other. You follow a linear murder-path and the levels have descriptions (which you ignore; I mean really).

Painkiller’s first level – and I mean the first game, not Battle out of Hell; though the orphanage is…interesting – is in a graveyard. Why? Was that explained in the cutscene? Did you expect me to watch it? As it happens I think I have watched it and it is not explained why, after being hired as Heaven’s only hope again Hell, you’re dumped in a foggy graveyard armed with a glorified whisk and expected to kill skeletons.

And oh, you do kill a lot of skeletons. And witches. The first level has about three enemy types not including the boss; skeletones, tougher skeletons and witches. As I recall the first level of serious sam has maybe two or three variety of headless shooty dude, exploding headless dudes, biting one-eyed dudes and possibly something else. Variety is appreciated, guys.

As is more explanation. I know a lot of onus is placed on ‘brainless shooting’ but Painkiller is just ‘motivation-less shooting’. Yes, hell is bad, but what are these skeletons? Serious Sam has a whole little encyclopedia chip in your character’s head full of useless information about your enemies which at least gives you some purpose. Would it have been so hard to give the Painkiller guy some mystic tome that could say these skeleton were the Undying Legion of Kraxoth or something? Why should I shoot them? Just because they’re there? So is that gravestone!

And oh God the enemies don’t get much better. Fabulous designed and fully ragdolled yes, but dull and in many cases just stupid. Take the second level, where the bulk of your foes are large, axe-wielding monk-types. Daunting, no doubt, if you’re daunted by slow moving, unthreatening things for you to shoot but otherwise rather useless. My favourite part about them, however, is that they throw their axes at you. They only have one axe, however, and after they throw it they die. Who knew monks had so much in common with bees?

The weaponry of this game – much vaunted by some – I find underwhelming though this could possibly just be me. Hell, what am I saying, this is all me; let’s go nuts. The titular painkiller is pathetic and dropped from usage the moment (about five seconds in) that you acquire the shotgun; a weak gun that offers little satisfaction in the offing of bad guys. At one point in battle out of hell I stood, stock-still, with my finger on the mouse button while a screaming line of demonic children ran willingly into my rain of shot. A hero I was not.

And, more to the point, WHY WAS I SHOOTING DEMONIC CHILDREN IN A HELLISH ORPHANAGE?!

Ah but there are more guns beside; a stake gun that while powerful fires too slowly to be of much use against the games paltry hordes; the shuriken shooting lightning gun…thing that is basically a machinegun but…no, it’s a machinegun. Wihout enough ammo. The guns are functional. Not fun, but functional. Amazingly well designed, yes; they look a treat, but entertaining to use they are not. There’s not enough visceral feedback. Sometimes foes keel over, others they fly backwards and still other times they gib. There’s no connection to your actions. You could be somewhere else and they’d probably do that.

Hell, the monks are all up for killing themselves already.

I could go on. Bland levels (hey look, more hellish destruction! And grey!) – agreeably imaginative at times and with some nice touches – the INDESCRIBABLY ANNOYING soul-collecting aspect (seriously, why do they take so long to spawn?); the criteria to unlock the entirely superfluous cards (the requirements in the aforementioned orphanage level is to not get hit. You start the level with a melee weapon. Do you see the problem here? Yes I’m fully aware the painkiller has a ranged ability but seriously, if you’re contorting that much to earn this card what’s the point?) and more besides.

And yet, I’m still playing it. Heh, who would have thunk it?

Ah well, I’m probably wrong anyway. I just don’t get why it’s such a ‘cult classic’.

Nadir – The Flood

Posted in Baseless Musing, Errors of the moment, Game talk on April 23, 2010 by Krazmaz

Allow me to talk about games for a moment. Specifically Halo, and specifically why the Flood was the best in the Halo:CE.

Now initially I was going to try and write a longer thing about how everything to do with Halo story-wise was better in the first one but it got rambling and useless so instead let me focus entirely on the Flood; the biggest of the big enemies in the series as they are out to kill everyone and everything. Well, ‘kill’.

A wonderfully creepy enemy in theory the Flood is some kind of extra-galactic omni-parasite with an aim to consuming all life in the galaxy. A good concept; unreasoning, infinite in number and intent on thoroughly violating everything in your body in the process. Somthing no-one could sympathise with, and rightly so.

In the first game they appear suddenly and from nowhere and lead you on a panicked retreat through the facility you just worked your way deep into. Actually, the first time I saw them it took me a while to work out what they were (possessed bodies of elites and marines) but then I needed someone telling me that headcrab zombies were zombies, so maybe it’s just me. The level where they first appear is good as well; a slow burning, tension building level with surprisingly little fighting up until their appearences with lots of little touches designed to put you a little on edge. Very well done, if I do say so.

But yes, these snarling, clawing, leaping, shooting hyper-zombies of doom are a little on the intense side as there’s a lot of them, they’re fast, they’re tough, they shoot at you and they also thoroughly tear through all those nasty alien you’ve been being killed by this entire game. In short, a good relentlessly enemy. Then the Gravemind appeared in the second game.

Oh dear.

Again, this is a personal thing but it really did just add a voice and a face to an enemy that needed neither. The Flood don’t need a guiding intelligence to be scary, or if they do it doesn’t need to talk (and not in that weird rhythmic fashion that the Gravemind talks in!). Look at the ‘Hive Mind’ of the Tyranids, if you will, and see how just hinting at a nebulous, gestalt guiding force works just as well. It doesn’t need to interact with characters and in fact it’s far better if it doesn’t as then the enemy remains utterly different and therefore scarier. Having the gravemind yak on at you turns the flood from a terrifying, civilization destroying force to some guy with a deep voice sending his goons at you.

As a quick aside how rubbish were the Forerunners if they with the capability to construct whole ‘shield worlds’, rings that can kill everything in the galaxy (except the flood, somehow; probably a lore point I missed) and AI that scoffs at your armour by calling it sub-par were still killed off by the flood. I know the flood uses races technology and intelligene against them but seriously, Master Chief managed it by blowing something up. And his armour was only class two! Plus, why do sentinels suck so much? For machines made to contain and eliminate the flood they’re very bad at it. Grr, rage. I think this is just me venting my perenial greivance of “It’s hard to emphatise with allied characters if they’re rubbish”, best exemplified by the marines who I’d feel a lot more attached to IF THEY KILLED SOMETHING ONCE IN A WHILE. Grr, rage. Again.

But yes, the flood.

So where was I? Oh yes, in the first game an enemy with the briefest amount of explanation. Super parasite, yada yada, kill everything in the galaxy, blah blah blah, start the rings and the stop them. Huzzah! Sounds like a plan. So off you go through the Library and if you survive that without actually physically killing yourself then you find out the truth about the rings which is that they’re designed not to kill the flood but to starve them into dormancy by killing off the races they parasite on. A bit of stretch but go with it; it’s actually a pretty neat twist at the time, made all the better by 343 who I actually like in this game (which makes his ignominus transformation into ‘end boss’ in the third game all the more grating…).

So you finish the first game and the gravemind appears in the second one, as I said. It’s not that bad in the second; the flood loses a bit of its menace due to this big green geranium that talks to you about bollocks from time to time but it’s okay, they’re still quite scary. And hey! They take over that big Covenant city! Wow! Nasty stuff eh? Fine times.

Then the third game. Oh. Oh God. Oh God why.

By this point I really am venting but as a man who likes to write stories and who likes to read stories and who likes sci-fi what they did to a formerly scary thing is just painful to look at. The gravemind is still around but dear God this time is he a whiny, philosophical bitch. He’s forever going on about this and that and usually while taking control away from you. How Bungie thought that method of storytelling was good I will never know; probably the same way they thought anything the gravemind said in that game was deep and meaningful.

Gameplay-wise the flood is at it’s – nngghh – best in this game, but that doesn’t help much when they actually act as speakers for the gravemind to bitch at you. And the pure forms! Argh!

But yes, what’s my summation for this useless, insulting, subjctive rambling? The following; read it as my conclusion:

Enormous, planet and species consuming enemies are a staple of science fiction and with good reason; they present a great anatagonist for people to unite against and also form a magnificent enemy as they can be gleefully killed with no guilty feelings and also present a daunting task due to their infinite, ravenous nature. The flood did this very well before ‘purpose’ and ‘drive’ was forcefully shoved into their perfectly solid paradigm. Had they been left as an insaitiable, all-consuming parasite who could not be talked to in any way the game would have been better for it. I mentioned Tyranids and I mention them again; that’s a faceless, ever-hungry enemy I can run away from.

But then I don’t get paid millions of dollars to make smash-hit games, so I’m probably wrong.

Whoa

Posted in Errors of the moment on March 26, 2010 by Krazmaz

On the EXTREMELY UNLIKELY off-chance that anyone looks at this and cares I’d recommend following this:

http://krazmaz.wordpress.com/

Instead of dumping my short stories here, I’m doing it there now.

I have no mouth and I must scream

Posted in Baseless Musing, Errors of the moment, Failures on February 8, 2010 by Krazmaz

Nothing to do with that particular and excellent sci-fi short story, unfortunately, but something else entirely.

No. Now, as we all know Vampire’s are the in thing. They’re sexy, forbidden, able to swan around in the daylight and all sorts of things that make little sense but are apparently quite appealing to a, uh, certain demographic. However! Popular culture never stays still for a moment and of course the roving eye of the canny media magnate type person is ever, uh, rover. Hence, they are now looking for the next big thing in the ‘teenage girl’ romance novel with fantasy parts market.

Or whatever.

Basically, the smart money is apparently on fallen angels and, to be honest, I can see why. They’re like vampires, only almost exactly the same. And also on possibly even shakier ground as to their source material, but hell.

What has this got to do with anything, you ask?

Well, a while ago I read about all this in a newspaper and thought to myself “Hey, I am filled with enthusiasm by the prospect of reviewing/mocking one of these books. Which one looks good? ‘Hush, hush’, you say? My my.” And then thought no more of it. Now I have a copy. Oh dear.

And yes, I do heartily enjoy a bit of the old ‘Blogging Twilight’. It fills me with plagerism. I mean enthusiasm. Bah, I ain’t gonna lie. But hell, who reads this anyway? Me, basically.

Anyway, I’ve run out of ideas right now. I’ll be back with an actual first impressions and shit like that later. For now, I have sausages to eat, a thingy to go to and some kids to drop off at the pool. Whatever.

Game developers

Posted in Baseless Musing, Errors of the moment, Failures, Game talk on January 26, 2010 by Krazmaz

If you ever think that giving an enemy in one of your games a homing weapon is a good idea take a step back and remember that people play games for fun, on the whole. If this doesn’t sink in do not make things worse by making the same weapon constant fire and capable of knock back. I mean seriously guys, what the fuck? And also don’t let it interrupt the player and – heaven forfend – trap them in an infinite loop they can’t escape.

Dear god.

One man’s love ballad for the Alien

Posted in Baseless Musing, Errors of the moment, Failures, Game talk on January 16, 2010 by Krazmaz

I love AVP. And by AVP I’m not talking about the comics or the horrifyingly bad film (though the sequel was – hnngghh – ‘better’) I am talking about the game. Not the Atari Jaguar beat ’em up game (it was the Atari Jaguar, right? I forget), not the Monolith sequel or the rather exciting looking new one that’s coming out.

No, I’m talking about the Rebellion version. The game that placed Rebellion on some sort of pedestal in my brain ever since I played it (that and the fact they’re Oxford based and own 2000AD).

A game so old it came in a CARDBOARD BOX on a CD (gasp) AVP is still damn fine. Beyond damn fine, in fact, it is amazing. I could just be gushing in a hyperbolic fashion but I’d say it’s among one of the better if not best FPS’s I’ve played.

And I’ve played a bunch.

But anyway, to get specific, the ‘A’ that makes up the AVP is the titular alien of movie fame. And it is Goddamn sweet. People have often talked about how playing the alien was a, well, alien experience and I might be inclined to agree.

You see, while many FPS’s and in fact the other two races in the game itself have your character standing on the ground and picking up weapons with which to do harm as the alien you are the weapon and every flat surface is the ground since, when crouched, you can crawl over everything. And crawl shouldn’t imply a reduction in pace; you move like shit off a shovel whether you’re standing up on the ground or crawling across the ceiling.

It’s liberating. The alien has the most palpable sense of speed I think I’ve seen in this kind of game. Again, it could just be wistful hyperbole but having just played the game it was still a rush to go halfway through a level in barely under two minutes.

But of course, you can’t run forever. At some point all those marines that are busy screaming and shooting at you – not to mention the civilians crying and running away from you – are going to need dealing with and you’ll find the alien ably equipped to deal with them. You have claws, a tail and that marvellous second set of jaws. They’re all amazing. They all kill in pretty much one hit.

This, I feel, is very important. You’re very, very fast and you kill marines very, very fast but unfortuantely you’re made of wishes and tissue paper and everyone but you has a gun or a molotov and are really quite relaxed about blowing themselves up or shooting their friends if it means killing you (seeing the AI do that still amuses me, as does watching them walk off ledges; it’s an old game…). This balances well.

If you get the drop on people, come at them from angles they don’t expect and do so taking full advantage of your speed – you know, playing an alien like you’re supposed to – and you’ll be an unstoppable blur of destruction. Try to close the six feet between you and guy with the minigun and you might at least take some of their armour off when your acid-blood filled body parts splatter over them.

So yes. Your claws kill in one. Humans, at least, go down easy. Predators not so much. For them you can crack the tail out. Just hold down that right mouse button, watch that barbed beauty coil up and pow, he’s down. But what is he doing on his knee, fiddling with that little thing on his arm? Why is he laughing? What’s so funny? Oh right.

You’ve seen the end of predator. You know where that’s going. So you got to put that dude out for good and the best way of doing this is, of course, by biting his head off. Man that’s satisfying.

The headbite is possibly the most satisfying thing in this game and maybe even of all time. This time I’m not even kidding. Get close enough – and not even that close – and make sure the head of your target is in the middle of your screen. Teeth appear, you click and their head disappears. Not only that, but your health goes up and there’s a very, very cathartic noise. I can’t even describe it.

The headbite is somewhat of a second nature to me now I must admit and is just so damn good. It’s also the recipient of one of my favourite cheats in any game;  the snipermunch. An instant kill, health-charging attack is one thing – it’s quite another with the range limit removed. Hur hur.

But I prattle too much. This is amazingly incoherent, even for six in the morning so I shall wrap up with but two points. The first is dull: aliens can also maul bodies for health. Awesome. Good feature. I hope for the love of God the new game is even half as good (the marine co-operative looks interesting, but my heart always belongs to the alien).

The second is that this game is now on Steam. Go and get it. I implore you!

But hell, I talk balls so what do I know.

FUCK YEAH

Posted in Errors of the moment, Holy shit! on January 15, 2010 by Krazmaz

FUCK YEEAAAAAHH